I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
we should paint friendship bongs
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