She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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