i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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