My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
