do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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