yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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