Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
