Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
