btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
