My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize