I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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