you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I can tuck mytits in my pants
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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