Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
