hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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