I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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