I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Boobs speak an international language.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
