I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize