Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Come see our sink grown plant.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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