its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
