Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
