I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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