If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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