When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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