My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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