im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
