I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
