Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize