My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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