At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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