OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
