Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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