im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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