enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Every concussion has its silver lining
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
