So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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