He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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