It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
