Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Can I color on your dick again?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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