I think I won the penis lottery.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I came so hard my ears popped.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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