I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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