ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
