we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
