I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
