I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
