Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
