No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
