I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
