Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
