I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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