Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
it was like eating out sand paper
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
