Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
