Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
