just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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