working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
