DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
