Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
