we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
