OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Tell her she can't have a vagina
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
