the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
