I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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